The holiday season is officially upon us, and you know what that means. Yes, it’s time to sexually objectify some fictional characters from beloved and otherwise wholesome Christmas movies.

Why? Honestly, I don’t really know, it’s just what we do now as a society. In case you missed it, certain corners of the internet (including, uh, this one) routinely flood with horned-up praise for Christmas movie characters this time of year, from Yukon Cornelius to the Grinch. Look, I don’t know what to tell you, the internet was probably a mistake. But it’s too late to go back now—we have no choice but to spend the holiday season simping over fictional, often not-even-human characters from decades-old holiday specials because apparently this is what happens to your brain when you spend a month hanging out with your relatives and subsisting entirely on a diet of alcohol and Christmas cookies.

In all seriousness, the reason this horny yuletide pastime is so fun is because it feels kinda transgressive to sully the wholesomeness of a childhood classic (and Christmas in general) by making it a sex thing. And while plenty of damage can be done by eroticizing Yukon’s burly outdoorsman thing or telling the world you want to fuck the Fred Astaire mailman puppet from Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town (I do, BTW), real Christmas perves know the villains are where it’s at. They’re the Bad Boys of the Christmas movie canon, the ones we are either dying to fix or would simply let ruin our lives. So without further ado, here they are: the most fuckable Christmas movie villains, because why not?

10. The Magician From Frosty

To be clear, I do not want to fuck this man by any means. He sucks, his head is a weird shape, and that mustache—no. Unfortunately, he does seem like the kind of guy I definitely would have had regrettable sex with when I was like, 22. I feel like he lives in Brooklyn and would talk over me for an entire date, but I would still go home with him because his delusionally inflated self-confidence would be enough to convince me that I should want him, you know?

9. Burgermeister Meisterburger - Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town

Again, do I want to have sex with this exceptionally rotund puppet? No. Would I fuck the Burgermeister for political power? Yes, obviously. Look, things seem pretty rough for the women of Sombertown. As far as I can tell, the only job opportunity seems to be Stuck-Up Schoolmarm, and since Young Mrs. Claus already has that one locked down, I’m gonna go with Mayoral Mistress instead. You’d be a fool not to.

8. Heat Miser and Snow Miser - The Year Without a Santa Claus

I would not fuck either of these, uh, minor deities (?) separately. I would have a devil’s threesome with them both. Yes, I am aware that they are technically brothers. If dudes are allowed to fantasize about a threesome with hot twin sisters, then I think I can have this.

7. The Lion King Thing From Rudolph

Literally who is this? Every time I get to this part of the movie I’m like wait, what is going on? What does this winged Lion King have to do with anything? I don’t even know if he’s technically a villain, but he has a vaguely threatening aura and he did tell Rudolph and Hermie that they couldn’t stay on The Island of Misfit of Toys, which, rude. Anyway he’s dark and mysterious and I feel like I would get romantically obsessed with him after hooking up and then the next day he would politely but coldly kick me out of his apartment instead of taking me for bagels, so on the list he goes.

6. The Winter Warlock - Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town

TBH I think I would prefer the evil version of the Winter Warlock before he thaws out and gets all simpy. This is the guy you think is out of your league that you’re totally obsessed with, but then as soon as he’s into you he suddenly loses all erotic potential and you’re like, “Ugh, never mind, you ruined it.”

5. The Grinch

We have discussed this at length elsewhere. But yes, the Grinch can get it.

4. Ebenezer Scrooge - A Christmas Carol

I got really obsessed with Jane Eyre at a young age, which unfortunately means I now have a thing for brooding, older Victorian men. While Scrooge is both older and meaner than your standard Mr. Rochester-type, he still kinda fits the bill. Also, lest we forget, the dude’s loaded. Sure, he’d lock me into an iron-clad prenup, but how many good years do we think this guy really has left? Once he kicks it, whatever remains of his fortune after his late-stage foray into arguably kind of reckless munificence will be mine—sorry Nephew Fred.

3. Albert Finney as *Young* Ebenezer Scrooge - Scrooge (1970)

Of the many actors who have played Dickens’ beloved miser over the years, Albert Finney has the distinction of playing both the grossest Scrooge and the hottest one. Some honestly pretty impressive-for-the-60s costume makeup is responsible for Finney’s old Scrooge look, but the then-33-year-old actor got to show off his fresh-faced Hollywood leading man looks as young Scrooge in the flashbacks and—I’m gonna say it—he could get it all damn day. Also, there’s an extended musical number where his girlfriend sings about how happy she is for what appears to be literal days on end, and Scrooge sits silently through the entire thing. And if there’s one thing we can’t resist, ladies, it’s a poor communicator who withholds affection!

2. Lucy Van Pelt - A Charlie Brown Christmas

I hesitate to characterize Lucy as a villain because, as we know, the real villain of A Charlie Brown Christmas is capitalism and also seasonal depression. But she is pretty mean to Charlie Brown and I would absolutely simp for this ice cold Christmas Queen. Schroeder doesn’t deserve her.

1.Walter Hobbs - Elf

You may not like it, but this reformed holiday skeptic is the ultimate Daddy—or should I say, Father Christmas.